Subject: Xmas Hell revisited

My in-laws are great. Not joking. I am very fortunate.

They are mad about X-mass. Bonkers. I don't mean the theological issues implicit in the virgin birth, the historical timelines, Middle East politics - no. Rather, they are intoxicated with the secular American Christmas cliches. The polyester Frank Capra blow dried all-American bullshit.

My formative Christmas years were spent under the yoke of a father who was a lapsed cafeteria Catholic and a mother who dragged us to the Jehovah Witnesses "compound", because in exchange for us reading their screwball pamphlets, they would come into the house and manage the mountains of dirty laundry and dishes. I was about 7 years old so I would look at the cartoons and read the bizarre captions and smell that glorious ink that they used. I do recall receiving humble Xmass gifts in brown paper bags. GOOD TIMES. Let's just say that I have divergent Xmass traditions than my in-laws.

But I digress......

On Xmass Eve, the most "Christmassy" thing on the tube was a compilation of Andy William's Christmas specials. Yes, Andy and his three brothers were in their tangerine V-neck sweaters singing some "ho-ho-ho" bullshit and I started to squirm in my chair. Then the young Osmond's came out and joined them... I held it together for about 15 minutes. Then, this came on.....

We immediately started chiming in with off-the-cuff medical diagnoses of the gimp tard elf in the front row, left.

-Cerebral palsy..?
--blunt trauma...?
--kepone poisoning..?
--Is that Gau...?

My father-in-law quickly reached his boiling point, bellowed "Jesus Christ, it's Xmass eve. What the hell is wrong with you people..?" and stormed out of the room.

I hope that I am not cut out of the will.

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